Thursday, March 31, 2005

Thrift Store Art Sale

Wife Says Everything Must Go!!!

Years of scouring the Renton/Kent area's grimmest thrift stores have resulted in what is widely-acknowledged as the boldest collection of thrift store art south of the Cedar River, north of the Green river and east of 140th street.

Jealous of the glory that these pieces bring me, my wife has demanded that they no longer grace the walls of my home office. Thus, I need to recoup the significant financial resources that I've spent on them. Any serious offers will be accepted, but these prices are what my gallery agent recommends for pieces of this caliber.

"Blue Indian" : $199

This intriguing piece was rescued from the East Hill Value Village in 2000. The aggressive use of blue, green and orange thrill the senses. My interpretation of this piece goes like this: Chief Exema is charging up the hill in the middle of the night against a backdrop of a green meteor-shower. Suddenly, a line of bullet holes appear across Chief Exema's chest and he grimaces. My son recently asked me "Why is that Indian blue daddy?" "Because he has no skin, son." I answered.

"Hand Shame" : $399

This is the centerpiece of my collection. The sagging shirt, bulging upper thigh and misshapen head serve to draw your attention away from the fact that the artist cannot draw hands and has hid them by cleverly smearing the lower band of the painting. What is this poor girl thinking about? What am I sitting on? or perhaps "Am I sinking into quicksand?" or maybe even "Why is my right sleeve so much longer than my left?" Sorry, a frame is not available for this original painting.

"Cashed Clown" : $99

Surely this ancient painting has frightened many a child as they lay awake staring at the wide eyes, flattened skull and the grotesque, rotting nose on this carnivorous clown. The glassy eyes suggest that perhaps our clown is happy because he's been partaking a little of the gentleman's leaf.

As in "Hand Shame", basic human anatomy is wilfully disregarded: Hobo Jim's eyes aren't halfway up the head, they're at the top. "I thought all clowns were frowny. Why is that clown smiling, dad?" "Because he's just finished feasting on innocent human flesh, son."

"Paul, Enjoy your Retirement" : $199

Well, it looks like Paul Anderson's retirement will be a rip-roaring success, if by success you mean homicidal spree. We can only assume that Paul is leaving his job as a postal inspector and retiring to the country life in, say, Cheney, Washington. Imagine Paul's magnificent physique and smoldering visage adorning the walls of your living room for only $199.

"Old Lazy Eye" : $199

The Lazy-Eyed Owl of the American Northwest exists in the same mythos as the Hare-Lipped Sasquatch of the Appalachians. This artist's precise rendering makes no apology for the cruelty of nature. Nay, he celebrates it!

Though the origins of this original Northwest masterwork have been lost to obscurity there is no disputing the quality of its craftmanship.

"Flipper Assualt" : $49

Far in the future Mankind has polluted the seas to the point that the dolphinkind have declared war on humanity. This hellish vision of a kamikaze dolphin is the last thing many-a-soldier will see before they are viciously fluked into a bloody, salty pulp.

The use of oblong circles around the terrible beast suggest the squinting of an eye. All that is missing is the rifle scope sight.

This magnficient piece can be yours for a whistle.

"Shine on you crazy Jesus" : $29

This bonus piece was purchased from a chinese street vendor here in Seattle's very own Chinatown. I haggled the poor vendor down to almost nothing. It was mean, but Jesus told me to. If you like to take hallucinogenic drugs and look at religious art, this piece is for you. Also, it has the best frame of any of these pieces. "Why is Jesus pulling back his cloak, daddy?" asked my son. "Well its because he's a superhero, son."

"Angry Teddy" : $29

This diminutive bonus piece comes in an attractive brown frame. The bear is clearly angry about something; perhaps it is about to eat the photographer. But that's a good thing; too much art is "happy" -- there's not enough expression of the negative emotions in today's frame-filler art.

Note: This entire collection was sold to famous re-Artist Eddie Breen. Not kidding.

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