Anyway, yesterday, our plane was delayed a couple of hours so were late getting out of the gate. We passed the time on the plane defacing tabloids. You get a weird sense of satisfaction out of writing "CRAZY" across various celebrities faces. Our rental car turns out to be giant burgundy Montego. Its like a big avon lady car. Whatever, Amy likes it. First stop, even before checkin in, was Hooters Hotel & Casino. We walked all of 10 feet into the place before we're setting down and drinking, gambling and smoking. Aaaaah, decompression after a long day of travel. A drunk guy walked up to me wearing a $300 brand new hooters jacket and asked me if I'd seen his wife, Carrie Underwood. I said I hadn't. We chatted for a while. The dood was a trip. After five drinks between Amy and I we went to the gift shop to get casey a shirt but they were out of the ones that said "My Dad Is Making Me Wear This Shirt -- Hooters Casino, Las Vegas" so all I got was a calendar. Sweet, sweet calendar though. Its for my man space. No, not my taint, I mean my office.
Side Note: This previous weekend was the first ever NBA all-star game here in Vegas. We talked to about five different bartenders about this and most of them said "I don't want to talk about it." The ones that did open up said things like "I've been working here 9 years and never saw anything like it. Completely crazy. I've never been scared working at my job here before but I was scared this weekend. There was a fight right there where you are standing." 15 people were killed and 400 people were arrested. The Las Vegas jails ran out of room so by the second day they were shipping people down to Phoenix. One bartender said, "you don't want to use the word colorful, but..."
After Hooters we came to the Aladdin and checked in and got all squared away. At the bar we hung out with these Canadians who hit a royal flush right was we were talking to them. They bought us a round of drinks so by then we were pretty loopy. We lost some money at a BJ table and then went upstairs for some quality family time. I took a nap and then went back downstairs to find Amy at about 10pm. She wanted to go dancing and she'd been quizzing this Russian floozy about where to go tonight. She, and some bartenders we talked to, said that Pure at Caesar's would be hoppin' tonight. A promoter gave us a VIP card that would, in theory, get us in with no cover.
Fast foward to Caesars. The VIP card isn't working to get us in. But we know how the town works now, so I turned around, wrapped a couple of twenties around it and asked him to look again. Ah, he said, that's right. Just a minute, and then we were in.
It was hip-hop night at PURE. Next to the DJ was a raised area behind glass. The area had nice couches, tables and drapes and was filled with the hottest, richest, sluttiest chicks you ever saw. Fortunately they were nice enough to wear really bored expressions so the rest of us unwashed commoners wouldn't get all jealous because clearly they weren't having any fun. Amy had been waiting to dance at a hip hop club for like a year so she was going wild. We danced until about 2 when it finally became so insanely crowded you could barely move.
My favorite part was at midnight when they actually had a bikini / lingerie fashion show right next to the dance floor. Yum.
Back at the hotel we had chicken strips and fries from Room Service. $40! They were good though. We went to sleep around 3 and Amy was up at 8 to get back down to the Casino.
Day II
I worked in the hotel room until 3:30 or so. I got a ton of stuff done and I think I looked really good to the people back at F5. I was fixing bugs and helping people and weighing in on weighty matters.
I went down and joined amy at the center bar for a couple of drinks and we strategized about what to do. Morpheus (Lawrence Fishburne), Kevin Spacy and Kate Bosworth were filming a new movie (21?) in the Casino and we watched Larry do a scene six times. He looked very serious.
Finally we decided on plan, we'd have some drinks and appetizers and then go to the new Playboy Club from 8 to 10 and then go see some mud wrestling at the New Frontier. Sounded like a great plan. We only got about half of it done though.
We were early to the Playboy club -- the first people there. It was by far the most awesome bar I have ever been to. Incredible view. Bunnies with tails were the dealers. They had a special designated "photo bunny" who posed with us for a picture. Bunny Sarah was her name.
I talked to the bartender and he said that the club wasn't about making money, it was just about having a cool place to go; for example, on new years eve, they stopped letting people after they had 300 because they didn't want it to be too crowded.
We talked about Holly and Kendra (just missed her -- she was here a couple of days ago) and Britney and Paris. Paris was apparently dancing on his bar about a month ago. Speaking of Paris, she had invited me to her birthday party at the Hard Rock last weekend but I couldn't make it. Rumor has it this is what I missed:
The Kiss Midget Band! I love Paris."Paris Hilton's birthday party on Saturday night featured a goat, a monkey, a naked woman on a bed of glass and the Kiss midget band. I think this exact scenario appears in the scripture passage about Armageddon."
Anyway, about the club. There were maybe 10 tables, one of which I think was a min 25 bet but the rest were 50 or 100 minimum bets, but you know what, no one was there to gamble. Everyone was just chillin out on the couches and talking to people. They were playing my favorite kind of music -- Modern Lounge as I think of it. Amy looked super hot in the outfit that she had chosen and I was wearing some nice dress clothes and we felt like we fit right in there.
We made some friends with a CEO and a VP and an architect and they bought us a couple of rounds of drinks while we talked with them for hours. That was my six and seventh drink I think so I was in the zone. I was probably making an ass of myself but at the time I felt pretty clever.
At 10 we left the club so we could go see (or partake?) in the all-comers mud-wrestling contest at the New Frontier, but on the way home we realized that we were, in fact, in no shape to go anywhere so we came back to the hotel and crashed.
Here's a random showgirl type. She must have been too short for the show so they made her take pictures with drunk tourists.
Day III
We needed serious time to recover after the playboy club. Apparently drinking free shots of something called "Bookers" is a good way to enter the Guiness Book of World Records, Hangover Edition. I worked from the room until four-ish again while Amy recuperated. I had a vision of how the evening should go but it had some contradictory elements -- cheap gambling in a downmarket casino but with a nice fancy dinner. Aha! This sounds like a job for Freemont street. We got all dressed up again and our concierge made reservations at the Binion's Steakhouse for us.
We arrived on Freemont street with some time to kill so we wandered around looking at the shops. We saw a shirt hanging outside a store that said, simply, "I LOVE TO FART". We tried to buy it but you had to get it silk screened. I wanted to buy Amy a Tshirt with the playboy bunny on it but we couldn't find a nice one.
Binion's Steakhouse is at the top floor of the famous Binion's casino (where the original world poker tournament was annually held until Texas Hold'em got all popular). The steakhouse was definitely old school -- very dark, lots of oak and leather and big juicy steaks. The steaks were decent enough, but AMY RECOMMENDED WE GET THE ESCARGOT for the appetizer. Ahh, a game of "Appetizer Chicken." I didn't flinch and we ordered them. They came in little cups of garlic butter. I pulled one out and it had an inch-long slime tail on it. I put the whole thing in my mouth and chewed it up, trying not to think of what the gritty stuff was. Amy had two and announced that the rest were mine. I ate the last two by carving the bread out of a roll and stuffing them in there with as much garlic butter as I could. It almost made a neat little snail hamburger.
After dinner we lost some money at a BJ table and then walked around outside.
That's when Amy noticed the _____ _____ and the ______ ____. "Are those what I think they are?" she asked. "Yeah, but I've never ____ in ______." I said. "Let's do it!" she said, so we did. For the next hour we ______ and I had a ______ and she had two. The first _______ was totally ________ but kinda _____ but the second one was _______ and much more ______." I remember Amy saying "You're ______s are insane!" and laughing. All of the _______ing made us totally _____ so we got in the car, sped back to the Aladdin and proceeded I proceeded to _________ her ____ before we ____ed like _____s. It was crazy.
Right after that Amy got sick. I told her that ____ing with me had that effect on women sometimes. She appears to have caught the cold that Casey and I had. So we just chilled out the rest of the night.
The last day we had lots of time to kill so we did the inevitable -- lunch at the Pink Taco at the Hard Rock. Of course, I had the sweet corn tamales. That is at least the fourth year in a row I've had that same experience. Still just as good. We also went back to hooters and bought some more stuff. A few hours later we hopped on board a very smooth MD-80 and we're back home again.
Not the most exciting trip in the world, but of course, the most interesting things that happened I can't really share here in this medium. Get me alone sometime and after a few drinks maybe I'll fill in the blanks.
Happy to be home again.
p.s. I heard some more things about the NBA all star aftermath. According to witnesses, the shooting at the Minx strip club was caused when the rapper Nelly came in and just started throwing thousands of dollars around in the air, literally. This caused people to scramble and fight for the money and that's when guns came out and two security personnel were critically injured.
And according to Sports Illustrated, one of the rapper's parties had a jeweler outside verifying that anyone coming through had REAL diamonds in their jewelry and not cubic zirconium. 100's were turned away. Fake breasts were okay though, just not fake jewelry.
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